Dating advice.. I need to figure out this guy's MO.... LONG POST
Newbie here...just got back into the world of dating and I guess I should chime in by explaining my dating dilemma. Hopefully, I'll get some helpful advice about the situation. I've been going back and forth about the whole ordeal and I'm wondering if I should invest more time/effort into whatever this "thing" is. It's a long entry...so bear with me.
Here's the deal.
Back in Nov. 11' I met this guy online and started talking to him (after a long ordeal of me ignoring him... He initiated contact in 09) and we eventually started hitting it off. We have a lot in common, have the same views about life and are physically/intellectually attracted to each other. We would stay up into the wee-hours of the mornings chatting online, cam chatting, and even talking on the phone. We live in separate cities (roughly about 3-4 hours away from each other)..and were in talks about maybe even visiting each other.
Initially he seemed like a really nice guy and sent me texts throughout the day to see how I was doing. After a couple of weeks of chatting (approx. 2), we finally decided to meet in person so I made plans to come up to see him over a weekend. Everything went great. It wasn't awkward for us at all and we were just like our online "selves". But, amidst all of the great connecting, we wound up being intimate. The sex was great...we get along quite well in that arena. But it wasn't something I planned since I was in a downhill relationship at the time (my long-term bf being emotionally abusive towards me...dealing with his own issues). I admit I was pretty fucked up being intimate outside of my relationship (even though it was on the verge of collapsing)...and as cheating has never been something of my character, it made me feel pretty bad about the ordeal. Since then I have split up with the bf...and contact with the "friend" seems to be continuing.
A lot of time has passed during the first meet up and we have been keeping in contact since then..and have expressed interest in meeting again. He and I had talked about the ordeal and he has said that he didn't feel comfortable about spending time with a women already in a relationship (ending or not)-, yet he understood the circumstances...and that he is still interested in pursuing whatever this is that has started between us. Last time we talked, I stated that even though I enjoyed the time that we spent together on our first visit-- that I wanted to take things a bit slower this time around. I know that some guys may think that I might be dangling a carrot over his head or something. But for me it's not the case. There is a lot of sexual/physical attraction between us (we flirt/comment here and there but it is all tongue-in-cheek. He told me that he was completely cool with it. So far so good...we're still talking and he hasn't miraculously disappeared yet.
However there are a couple of things that bother me. I know that he and I have only started meeting or whatever. But after the first time we had met up, I decided to do some detective work on Mr. Online to determine if I wanted to continue seeing him. When we first started chatting, and he eventually added me to his FB, I noticed that his "friends" were only female. I thought that it was a bit strange...but since we barely knew each other.. I was not expecting anything from him and I didn't think too much of it. But I decided to do a bit more detective work on him (just in case I did decide to see him again) and found out that he has another FB profile. This one appears to be for his friends/family/co-workers while the one I am added to just appears to have a bunch of women on it. Some of the information on it appears to be blocked as well.
From what I gathered on the FB page that I am added on, there are comments from other women on his page but nothing seems to be sexual in nature. Mostly they are commenting the pictures from his travels ( "wow..it looks beautiful there", "Cool"...you get the drift). Some women have even "liked" photos of him...but it doesn't seem to be more than that. The last comment he received from a woman was sometime in Dec. last year. He hasn't really updated his page since. Then again, FB allows its users to adjust their privacy settings to block "friends" from viewing certain pictures..comments...etc.I should know since I sometimes use those settings as well. But I don't want to be too paranoid. I WANT to confront him about it...but I don't know how. How would you suggest bringing it up in a convo? I want to give him the benefit of the doubt...But is he a player? How do I confront him about the other profile without putting him on his guard? I just find it strange that he has access to all of my information...my friends...my family...my co-workers..the whole shebang, yet I am obviously not getting the same in return. Granted that he and I have not been talking for very long, but I have been completely honest with him since day one. I've been patient with him thinking that eventually, if he's actually interested in getting to know one another or whatever that he would eventually bring his other FB profile up.
He has not been completely secretive though. He has disclosed details about who he is as a person. Interests, dislikes, hobbies, his goals, work... his friends...and even about his family. He's recently opened up about his strained relationship with his father. Since I am somewhat in a similar situation ( he didn't know that..mind you), I guess he and I connected in that way and he's now using some of my advice to attempt to repair their relationship. Mr. Online has a tough shell to crack..but he has been opening up more and more.
However, I am still somewhat confused about the whole thing and where it is heading. I probably wouldn't be putting too much thought into it if he and I had met in a more conventional way (not online), that we lived in the same city, and that he is keeping somethings secret. The last couple of months he and I had been keeping in contact (casually mind you). But a lot of the plans that we have made to see each other have fallen though quite a bit due to our schedules. At one point both of us were trying to figure out what was going on with each other. He was wondering if I had lost interest/met someone else and I was pretty much thinking the same thing. At one point he was concerned that everything he and I had been talking about and or doing (seeing more of each other..traveling together perhaps..etc.) was all just talk.
Two weeks ago, we had talks again about me coming up to visit him for about 4-5 days. Now that school has lightened up on my end I had decided to do it. He had to work two of those days...but offered a key to his place so that I could work on my BA/sightsee/come and go as I pleased until he ended his shifts. We had a great time together just like before…however with not being able to see each other since back in November, we spent a majority of the time taking things slow by catching up. We opened up a lot to each other those days…but again, there haven’t been any discussions on what is going on between us. The last day however….we were intimate again…which leaves me again…wondering if this is a casual encounter…or if it is leading on to something else. He and I haven’t talked since then (about 5 days since I left). Am I just a convenience to him? I haven't seen/heard of many booty call situations where the guy openly gives his flat keys to his "side"....and allows her to stay there ( in fears that she might find something). Could this be a good sign in the right direction?
What should I do?
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04-11-2012 10:06 AM
Always be wary of people you meet online
If you get to know each other more and the relationship you both have right now get developed. He might eventually consider you be part of his real life.
Get to know more of the person. Don't rush into things.